It's not bad to feel sad

I don’t always feel like I’m getting it right with my kids, but today I do. Puds was hangry, tired and having a tantrum because I said no to a third smoothie. Dinner was about three minutes away from being ready, and he shouted his refusal at me for all of the “too impatient to wait” options I offered him (fruit or a slice of toast).

He screamed, he kicked, he hit out. Each time I caught whichever limb was flying towards my face and body and told him it was ok to feel upset/angry, but I would not allow him to hurt me. Each time he apologised for trying to hurt me, but all the while still screaming about wanting another smoothie.

After about 20 minutes of this (Chris had already served Pickles her dinner and we were keeping Puds’ dinner warm for him for when he would eventually calm down), Puds and I were sat on the kitchen floor, he was still crying and screaming, and I once again told him that I understood that he wanted a smoothie, but that it wasn’t an option for this evening and that it was ok to feel upset that he couldn’t have it. He looked at me with tearful eyes and said, “It’s not ok to feel sad!”. “Of course it’s ok to feel sad,” I replied, “In fact, it’s a good thing to feel sad and angry sometimes. It doesn’t feel very nice when it’s happening, and we all want it to stop, but feeling sad and angry is just as important as feeling happy. You need to let your feelings out when you have them, even the not very nice ones, but it’s important not to hurt others when you do it, so I won’t let you hit me.”

Puds of course ignored all of this, or so I thought, and continued crying about his smoothie. However, after another 5 minutes he surprised me. He suddenly stopped. He wiped his eyes and said, “All my sad has gone now mum, look it’s on my arm!” And he showed me his sleeve that was slightly damp from wiping his tears away. He smiled at me and said, “I’ve finished getting my angry and sad out now, can I have my dinner and a drink please?” “Of course,” I said smiling back, “I know it’s not very nice feeling sad, but it always goes away eventually when you let it come out, doesn’t it?” Puds nodded and gave me kiss. “Love you mum,” he said before giving me a hug. As I squeezed him back, he burped loudly in my ear before laughing and running off shouting, “Daddy, mum squeezed me and I burped!” I’m assuming that’s his way of saying his happy is back now.

So today I felt like we are finally reaching a point with Puds where the message is sinking in that he shouldn’t be afraid to feel bad and uncomfortable. Is it pleasant? No. Is it necessary? Of course. It’s part of what makes us human, it is what teaches us our lessons, makes us resilient, and helps us to recognise our personal boundaries, but only if we allow ourselves to feel it. The problems begin when that sadness, frustration and anger are targeted destructively towards others, and that is something we need to work on redirecting. We still have time for that though, he is only four after all.

Sometimes Puds will take himself to his room if he knows he needs to calm down, and sometimes he will seek me out for support while he has his tantrum. I feel that recognising when you need help to work through your emotions, and when it’s something that would be better done alone is also extremely important. At both times I try to avoid telling Puds to stop and calm down, even if it’s taking a really long time and I have other things to do. Don’t get me wrong I’m not perfect, and there have been many times I’ve lost my cool, but as the adult with the supposedly fully developed brain I make sure I apologise to him for my outbursts afterwards. That’s something I’m working on though. I’m also a human who is still learning that’s it’s not bad to feel sad.