The Misadventures of Pickles and Puds

Quality over quantity...

What is it like to be a parent? Honestly? It's horrendous...except for when it isn't.

Photo of pickles and puds walking through a hedge maze

What is it like to be a parent? Honestly? It's horrendous...except for when it isn't.

Let me explain what I mean. Chris and I were at a friend's wedding recently and were asked by child free friends what it's like having children, honestly. Some of them have read my blog, and when they've heard us tell our stories of Pickles and Puds it's usually ones that are describing embarrassing, awkward or downright painful situations. We choose those stories to tell because they are the funny, entertaining ones. They are the times we look back on and laugh at. Our child free friends laugh with us, but for those who have yet to decide whether to have children or not, you can often see them glancing at each other as if to say, "Are we mad even considering doing this, it sounds awful?!"

Children seem to have a knack for chipping away at your sanity and patience, tiny pieces at a time, until you are almost at the point of leaving them on someone's, anyone's, doorstep. Then at the very last minute, they do something so utterly wonderful just in time to bring you back from the brink. It's often just a small thing, like giving you a spontaneous, unbribed hug, or helping their younger sibling unasked down a tricky hill at the park, or even smiling at you like you are their favourite person in the whole world and putting then their shoes on after just the first request. All of a sudden the horrible, difficult bits don't seem to matter any more. You remember them of course, because nothing can erase an hour long tantrum from anyone’s memory, but any feelings of restentment you were building or trying to quell seem to melt away, and you are reminded why you love them so much. Yes there are usually more difficult bits than good bits, and the difficult bits often result in at least one, if not all of us losing our tempers with each other, but the good bits far outway everything else. Quality over quantity, as they say.

I have seen comments online directed to those who dare mutter a smidge of complaint, that are usually along the lines of, "If you can't handle all the stresses of having children, then you shouldn't have had them in the first place". To those people I say bugger off you cantankerous, hateful old farts! Nothing prepares you for what it's like to raise and be completely responsible for small humans. Nothing. The constant mental pressure of not messing them up so they can become well adjusted adults, coupled with 24/7 demands from said small humans, who never stop talking, never stop asking questions, even when you have already answered them a million times because they never bloody listen, or they ask permission to do something ridiculous, then ignore your response of "no", do it anyway, then have the audacity to be upset when you get a bit miffed at them, it's enough to make anyone complain about it a bit. Complaining is our way of handling it, so we don't do something stupid that will get us put on an official list somewhere.

Usually our children are not actually doing anything wrong as such, they are just being a bit inconvenient or irritating. I love a curious child that's bursting with energy, nothing is more delightful...but not at 5.30am when I haven't actually opened my eyelids yet, or even at 8.30pm when I have been answering demands and questions all day, and I am very conscious that we have to get up for school in the morning, so go the frig to sleep you little monster!

I can probably count on both hands, with fingers to spare, the number of totally "perfect" days I've had since having kids. The kind where everything goes to plan, the wash baskets are empty, the kids ate a nutritious meal without moaning about it, screen time was minimal, the house is tidy(ish), I was productive, and everyone was happy for a very significant amount of time. The kind of day where you get into bed, look up at the ceiling, smile, and think to yourself, "I have totally got this parenting thing nailed!"...then you wake up the next day and everything goes to pot again for the next few months or so. But for that brief moment, it's amazing and it so makes up for every other awful day.

Like my trip to the supermarket a few weeks ago. It was absolute hell. But later that day as I walked into Puds room to pick him up out of his cot after a nap, he gave me the biggest smile, an enthusiastic, happy cry of "Mama!", and stretched out his squishy arms to give me a tight hug. He'd only been asleep for and hour and a half, but it was like he'd been away for days. He had obviously missed me in the time he'd been asleep, and it's moments like these that remind me that to him and Pickles, at least for a few short years, I am their favourite person. Even when Pickles is angry with me, tells me she doesn't love me anymore, and makes a "No Tori" sign for her bedroom door (the title of Mum is apparently revoked when she is cross with me), I know she doesn't mean it because she always wants me to cuddle her. I imagine it must be quite a conflict for her little brain to process being angry with her most loved person, and only wanting comfort from said person at the same time.

I remember when I was pregnant with Pickles talking to a friend who already had children, and she said something I've always remembered. The love we have for our children is like nothing else. We can love others so much it may feel like our hearts will burst, but friends and partners can potentially do things that will taint that love, or even make it disappear. It's conditional. Our children however, have a completely different hold on us. I know there is nothing in this world they could do that would make me stop loving them. I may not like them very much at times, but the love is always there. I require nothing in return from them, it's unconditional love, and I suppose the small moments of love they show me on occasion, help to remind me of why this is.

So in answer to the question "what is it like to be a parent?"; For me at least, it's the hardest, most overwhelming, and demoralising thing I've ever done in my life. But it's also the best decision I've ever made. It's bloody brilliant, and I wouldn't change it for anything.